Imperfect Much.

#Be.

In this not so glamorous season I’ve found myself in, the lyrics of “You Say’’ by Lauren Diagle has never been more relatable. The first verse says;

“I’ve been fighting voices in my mind that says I’m not enough.

Every lie that tells me I will never measure up.

Am I more than just a sum of every high and every low?

Remind me once again of who I am because I need to know’’.

Truthfully, I do need a reminder of who I am cause it seems I’ve forgotten the numerous words God has said about me.

Yes, I know I’m meant to go and search the scriptures to find these words, BUT, just in this moment, I want to give life to at least one of the many thoughts that seems to be lodged up within me.

In the past seasons, and even right now, I’ve forgotten how to just “BE’’.

I honestly do not know how to explain that word, but I know that this season is just not it. The repeated cycle of highs and lows can’t be my resting state for God’s sake, it's actually getting tiring for real.

Even in the way I’ve been showing up in this space, I’ve gotten so caught up with sending out weekly life lessons that I’ve sort of overlooked my own life, forgetting that this space was birthed for me first. This was my pruning ground, my forging table where I would be turned inside out and then shown the not so cute tapestries of my being.

I know I've been on this journey for a not so long while now, but somewhere in my mind, I guess I had felt whole enough to leave the threshing floor. Maybe these unhealed wounds and my bleeding heart were sent as pointers that I’ve still got a long way to go in attaining perfection.

The thing is, if I had followed through with the idea that came to me of ending SMSwithEde, the most that did happen outwardly is that some people may ask why, and after a silly excuse or two from me, the matter would die down.

But between God and I, we both know that that would have been me anxiously avoiding and running away from the discomfort of been in emotionally stressing situations. That I would have been choosing the easier way out that won’t require me being broken over and over again. The easier way that would most likely fuel my pseudo-perfection.

Sadly, every high that I had unknowingly based my worth on has fallen through and now, I have to go back and build my image on a surer foundation.

My greatest prayer in this season is to just “BE’’; no performance, comparison, self-doubt, low self-esteem, thinking less of myself, or attaching my worth to peoples’ perceptions about me or the results I am able to attain or otherwise.

If I had choosen to stop now, how then would I ever know how this story would turn out?

Oh well, I showed up today, even if not with the most profound of messages, but this single step counts for my growth and I think that’s enough.

I know I’ve come so far, but there's still so much within me that doesn't make God happy, so by His grace, I'll keep presenting myself to His treatment room.

#Shalom.

Signed: Abba's Handpiece.